The Tales of FF7 Birthdays
by PuppyNoelle
Summary: This is my hilarious collection of pointless tales of each FF7 character's special day! The first one is Cid's b-day, so you can only imagine the chaos there!


**The Tales of FF7 Birthdays!**

Book 1: Cid's Birthday By: Miss Battousai Noelle 

**Disclaimer:** I no own FF7 so back off lawyers!

This is a repost of this story, since it was giving me some issues the first time I posted it. So, it's back! And for those that asked for a sequel the last time I posted this story, I've gotten an idea to write funny stories for all the characters. (And there was much rejoicing) So, next I'm gonna do Cloud's B-day, when I have the time ^-^x So…. onto the story!

The Quotes given to me to use in this story are as follows:

1.         Oregon is entirely yellow. I've been there, smart ass!

2.         "And for God's sake, don't forget the spoons!" he yelled after his son, who had just dashed out the door.

3.         Cabbage crates coming over the briny?!

4.         Have you ever counted a centipede's legs? There are in fact 99... Those lying @%#$&'s!

5.         Hydrogen atoms sold separately, batteries not included

6.         KILL THE CHEESE!!!!!!

7.         Have you got one of those tiny little Tabasco bottles? I love those!

8.         ALRIGHT, WHO SHOT THE CHICKEN???

9.         Venezuelan Beaver cheese

10.       in fear that his father would hurdle a chair across the room at his head.

11.       The chickens are listening...

12.       If one ingests another's cerebrum, one gains that person's memories.

13.       and therefore, summon the cheezits.

14.       everyone all together now, ooo eee oo ahh bing bang wallah wallah bing bang

15.       This is a great!

16.       George Washington never lied. He chopped down a cherry tree and then choked and turned blue on one of the pits.

17.       Soak your toes and enjoy!

18.       fuzzy potatoes make good friends

19.       trash cans will not appreciate this kind of treatment!

20.       Will there ever be a purple desk?

21.       snaking on bread is a good treat.

22.       don't draw with sticks

23.       heath hazards present themselves in many various ways, so be careful.

24.       you walked to the kitchen, wanna cookie?

Book 1: Cid's Birthday! Setting: Cid's House, Rocket Town 

All of Avalanche is just sitting around at Cid's house, on Cid's b-day just talking about nothing in particular...

Cid: "So, who's in the mood for snacks?"

Yuffie: "You know I am!"

Aeris: "ME! Do you have any candy?"

Cid: "No, but we do have many various kinds of cheese. Let's see... there's Swiss, American, Colby, Venezuelan Beaver cheese..."

Aeris: "Ahh!!! KILL THE CHEESE!!!!!!"

She ran over to where Cloud was standing, talking to Tifa, and took his sword out of its sheath and charged with it, towards the counter where there was a tray full of cheese. Red jumped in the way, stopping Aeris.

Red: "Spare the cheese Aeris. Here, why don't you try some potatoes? Fuzzy potatoes make good friends."

Just then, they heard a shot come from out back. Everyone ran out to see Vincent with his gun in his hand, aimed at a dead chicken lying on the dirt.

Cid: "Booboo!!! ALRIGHT, WHO SHOT THE CHICKEN???"

Vincent: "Sorry Cid... didn't know it meant anything to you..."

Cid: "SHIT! That chicken goes way back..."

Everyone waited, impatiently, as Cid told the story of Booboo, the chicken...

-----------------

Back when Cid and his dad were just beginning the construction of the Highwind, they ran out of a few materials, so Cid had to run an errand.

"And for God's sake, don't forget the spoons!" he yelled after his son, who had just dashed out the door.

Cid ran for his life, out the door, in fear that his father would hurdle a chair across the room at his head. While he was walking down the street to the store, he saw a small egg lying in the middle of the street. He ran into the street to fetch it. He heard people calling to advertise things.

"Nuclear power plants! Get your nuclear power plants! Hydrogen atoms sold separately, batteries not included!"

"Cabbage crates coming over the briny?! Ooh! Wait for me!"

"Ooh! Cabbage crates!"

"Have you got one of those tiny, little Tabasco bottles? I love those!"

"No, sorry ma'am."

"New footbath mechanisms filled with spheres of amphibious Jell-o! Soak your toes and enjoy!"

He did his best to ignore the sounds of daily life and picked up the egg. He put it into his jacket pocket and continued to the store. When he got there, he went up and down the aisles, getting everything he was supposed to, even the spoons, when he went to pay, There was a strange old lady at the counter.

Old Lady: "Hello young man. Don't draw with sticks now sonny."

Cid: "Uh... okay... bye now..."

Old Lady: "And remember, snaking on bread is a good treat."

He walked back to his father's airplane garage. And when he entered his father was glaring at him.

Cid's Dad: "Did you remember the spoons?!"

Cid: "... yes..."

Cid's Dad: "Finally! This is a great!"

Cid: "A great?"

Cid's Dad: "I said that?! Holy shit!!! Well, I guess heath hazards present themselves in many various ways, so be careful."

Cid: "Okay... so can we get to work now?"

Cid's Dad: "Alrighty."

-----------------

Yuffie: "Get to the point already!!!"

Cid: "Hold on! I'm getting there!!"

Yuffie: "Grr! Oh just forget it! This is so incredibly boring!!! That's it! I'm going back inside where all the... uh... semi-sensible people are."

With that she went into the house, slamming the back door behind her, leaving Cid all alone in the backyard, with the dead chicken. Cid, oblivious to the lack of listeners, continued with his story.  

-----------------

Back inside the house, everyone except for Cid was inside, just chatting nonchalantly when Yuffie busted in through the door.

Yuffie: "Geez! Will he EVER shut up?! He's been going on with that stupid story of his for nearly an hour!"

Barret: "That's Cid for ya. Kinda self-centered if ya ask me."

Yuffie: "Kinda self-centered?! What are you, blind or something?!!"

Red: "Come now everyone, why don't we think of what to do with the chicken, instead of how to insult Cid."

Cloud: "Great idea Red. How about we eat it?"

Tifa: "Raw? That's just gross Cloud!"

Cloud: "No way! We've gotta cook it first, but how..."

Reeve: "How about fried?"

Yuffie: "No, no! Sautéed!"

Barret: "Honey Roasted!"

Cloud: "No way! I like barbeque!"

Cloud, Reeve, Barret, & Yuffie: "Yeah! Barbeque!"

Cloud: "Okay! That settles it! It's barbeque time!"

Aeris: "Wait! Why eat it?"

Cloud: "Because it tastes good!"

Aeris: "That's not the point! It is, or was, a living creature. Show some respect for the dead will you? Give Booboo the same respect you gave me when I died."

Cloud: "It's just a chicken. And besides you're cuter than a chicken."

Aeris: "That's not what I meant! What I mean is, we need to give Booboo a nice funeral. Now, who's with me?"

No one said anything, or moved at all. Then, everyone turned toward the back door and walked out, leaving Aeris in the house alone. Aeris ran over to the door, opened it, and yelled at the top of her lungs:

Aeris: "The chickens are listening!!!"

She then slammed the door, headed to the kitchen and sat down in a chair.

----------------------

Yuffie: "Geez… what's her problem?"

Cloud: "Beats me."

Tifa: "I think she's some kind of environmentalist, or something like that…"

Red: "Environmentalist? I think the term you're searching for is animal lover, not environmentalist."

Tifa: "Oh. Well, George Washington never lied. He chopped down a cherry tree and then choked and turned blue on one of the pits."

Cid: " And that is The End. So, how did everybody like my story?"

All: (sarcastically) "Oh, yeah, it was great, great… just great…"

Barret: "Okay, so when are we gonna cook the damn chicken?!"

Cid: "What the hell are you talking about?!?!!! Are you trying to tell me that you want to eat my precious Booboo?!?!!!"

Barret: "Well, it's dead isn't it?"

Cid: "That doesn't give you the damn right TO EAT MY F***IN' CHICKEN!!!!!!!!"

Everyone was startled and stared blankly at Cid. Aeris opened the door to see what was going on.

Aeris: "Could you please quiet down Cid; I think the whole town can hear you."

Cid: "SHUT UP!!"

Aeris: "Why don't you take your own advice?"

Cid: "Well then, I bet you don't know this: Oregon is entirely yellow. I've been there smart ass!!!"

Aeris: "Are you sure that's even true?"

Cid: "Okay then… um… Aha! Have you ever counted a centipede's legs? There are in fact 99… Those lying @%#$&'s!"

Aeris: "Yeah well, trash cans won't appreciate this kind of treatment! Oh yeah, and will there ever be a purple desk?!"

Cid: "I dunno… would anybody want to have a purple desk?"

Aeris: "You really are stupid aren't you."

Vincent: "If one ingests another's cerebrum, one gains that person's memories."

Cloud: "Uh, Vincent, what was the point of that?"

Vincent: "You walked to the kitchen, wanna cookie?"

Cloud: "Okay…… anyways… Aeris, what were you saying?"

Aeris: "Uh… I don't really remember."

Cid: "The hell's going on? Eh, just forget it! Who wants some grub?"

All: "Me!"

cid: "Okay, inside we go!"

They all went back into the house.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cid: "Okay, it looks like all we have left is some stuff in the pantry."

Cloud: "And therefore, summon the cheezits."

Just as he said that, the pantry door swung open, revealing boxes of crackers, cereal, etc. Then, one of the boxes of cheezits flew out, at the speed of a bullet, and smacked Cloud in the head.

Cloud: "OW! Shit that hurt!"

Cid: "Whoops, forgot to tell you that all the boxes are cursed so that when you say what they are, they come up and hit you. Why just yesterday I wanted some cereal, and the box caught me off guard, and it hit me in the ass, and made me fly across the room…"

Tifa: "Where'd you land?"

Cid: "On the stove. Oh, and check it out!"

He began to take his pilot's scarf off and on the back of his neck was a massive burn.

Cid: (putting the scarf back on) "Yep. An' after that Shera told me not to go buying anymore jinxed cereal boxes; it was kinda hard though, 'cause everything that gets put in that damn pantry gets cursed."

After that, everyone stared fearfully at the pantry, and began to back away. Vincent, instead, walked toward the pantry, reached in to grab out a box of cereal, and was immediately thrown across the room, into the table.

Vincent: "Those chickens really are listening."

Cloud: "What do chickens have to do with a cursed pantry? OW!"

Another cheezits box flew out of the pantry and hit him in the head.

Aeris: "Okay, okay you can stop that now pantry."

The pantry was just about to throw another box at Cloud, when she spoke.

Cloud: "How'd you make it stop?"

Aeris: "Surely you're not stupid too… I cursed it while you all were outside."

Cloud: "That doesn't make any sense at all.  How could you have cursed it yesterday, and cursed it a few minutes ago?"

Aeris: "What do you think? Cid's stupid, and he's a liar.  He just made up that story about Booboo.  And Booboo's real isn't Booboo, it's Dinner.

Cloud: "Dinner?"

Aeris: "Yes, and he has two siblings, Breakfast and Lunch.  And… here they come now."

Just then, two chickens wobbled in through the partially open back door with the dead on their backs. They sat down in order, with the dead one at one end.

Aeris: "The first one on my right is Breakfast, then Lunch, then you all know, er, Dinner, the dead one."

Cloud: "I don't get it."

Aeris: "I don't either, but it was fun to see Cid make a total and complete idiot of himself."

Yuffie: "You can say that again!"

Cid: "I'm an idiot now. What's an idiot? Oh, what the hell! Everyone, all together, ooo eee oo ahh Bing bang wallah wallah Bing bang!"

And they all stared in fear as Cid started dancing and "singing" like a lunatic who just escaped from prison.

THE END

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Stay tuned for _Book 2: Cloud's Birthday!_ Of this comedic series!


End file.
